virginity is a social construct

why is virginity so often defined as a measurable part of a person? virginity is constructed to make people judge and label their sexualities. i cannot speak for men or gender queer individuals, but as a cis woman, i grew up believing the idea that my sexual experience was an actual, almost tangible part of my existence.

as a cis woman, i’ve definitely felt the pressure of our society’s double standards when it comes to virginity. on one hand, i’ve been afraid to reveal too much about my sexual experience, not wanting to come off as overly promiscuous. at the same time, i’ve been afraid that having too little sexual experience would make me seem immature or prudish. the misogynistic concept of virginity commodifies women based on the most arbitrary standards. 

one major problem with the concept of virginity is that it is difficult to define, and most attempts to do so are heteronormative and cisnormative. even in middle school sex ed class i was taught that sex is when the penis penetrates the vagina and virginity was only addressed to me in terms of heterosexual relationships. but by this definition, women who have only been with women and men who have only been with men are considered “virgins.” on the other hand, it also doesn’t make sense to say that performing any sexual act constitutes losing one’s virginity because that would oversexualize kids who experiment with kissing or touching by labeling them as nonvirgins.

another problem with the concept of virginity is how women are taught that their bodies are physically changed by penetration. sure, technically a woman’s hymen is broken when she has sex, but a hymen can also be broken without sexual intercourse at all. additionally, not all women are born with hymens and not all hymens tear during penetrative sex. the idea that you can tell whether or not a woman is a virgin by the way her body looks has contributed to all kinds of female sexual oppression. in addition to making women feel like losing one’s virginity is a life-changing, physically altering experience, this idea also shames women into concealing their bodies and sexualities. at one point I was even sold on (and fearful of) the idea that a man would be able to determine whether or not I was a virgin by whether or not him tearing into me caused me to bleed all over the sheets.

society has tricked us into thinking that virginity has some direct correlation with our personal growth or experience. we have a specific word for the milestone at which we have sex for the first time, but not for when we first learn to read, walk, or talk. Why is our society so obsessed with the concept of virginity?

instead of accepting a construct that simultaneously shames people for both having and not having sex, we should question why virginity is such a defining characteristic to many young people. please stand with me to challenge not only the importance, but also the existence of “virginity” because it turns one of the most organic human acts into a stigma that directly oppresses women and lgbtq individuals.

xo,

hannah